This Isn’t Goodbye

For those of you who have followed my blog from the start, you will know why I started it and what was going on in my life at the time. For those of you who are more recent followers, let me explain.

I started my blog when one of my closest friends died of cancer. I’d gone to see him to say goodbye and the next morning I woke up to the news that he had passed away peacefully in the night. On the day of his funeral, I found out my grandad had also died suddenly too.

I started my blog just for a place to clear my head, a place to talk, a place to express myself and the parts of my personality that I didn’t feel I could express so freely during such grief.

Over time, I have got used to what has happened. I go to work. I see family and friends. I make plans. I create, write, think.

I write this on the eve of launching my side project, Little Wish Creations, and I can’t help but feel a sense of sadness. 

All I can think about is my friend. I want to know what he’d think of it. I want to know if he’s proud of me. I want to know if he knew how much I cared.

I keep thinking back to all those things I could have said but didn’t. I was tying to be brave and act like he was going to get through it, everyone was. We didn’t want to give up because he fought until the end. My last words to him were “see you later” because I couldn’t stand to say goodbye. Only now I wish I had so I could have held his hand and told him how much I valued him and never wanted to let go.

I hope he’d be proud of me. I hope he’d crack a joke at my expense but with a kind smile that would tell me all I really needed to know.

I miss you. I hope you’re proud. I hope you’re at peace.

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